Monday, May 19, 2008

God gets a blog to discuss stuff He hates

This supposedly sayeth the Lord:
Of the many human body parts I intensely dislike, there is none I hate more than the foreskin. I believe this small stretch of penile tissue is responsible for turning more men away from Me, the Almighty Lord your God, than anything Lucifer has ever done.

See, back when I was designing the first man, I decided to just make him look exactly like Me. Perfect in every way. I sat naked in the Heavenly Hall of Mirrors for a couple of hours and sculpted Adam’s body to look just like Mine.

And so I gave Adam a huge penis. With some balls. And a foreskin.

And as you all know, that accursed foreskin made sex such a wondrous experience for Adam that he turned away from Me for that dirty-slut-whore Eve.

I blame Eve, but I mostly blame the foreskin, with its thousands upon thousands of pleasure-inducing nerve-endings. Damn you foreskin!

Despite all My best efforts, of the total number of penises worldwide today, 87% still have foreskins. This is a travesty!

I consider every male attached to those foreskins My forsworn enemy! I also consider any woman who has sex with an uncircumcised man equally culpable! As Myself as My witness, they will all burn with Eve in the fiery pits of hell!
These are the alleged ruminations of the Almighty on His new blog dedicated to Stuff God Hates. It's not very believable, what with the pettiness and f-bombs. I did, however, enjoy the post about cats.

A little while back, my editor suggested such a gimmick might be a cool addition to The God Blog -- a regular feature called God's Blog, in which I would speak as the Lord on the big news of the day. I liked the idea, and still might try it, but when I thought about how to make it work, I realized my voice would likely be either dull or melodramatic.

Stuff God Hates opts for the latter. The tone might not work, but the blog has the exact same design, and even object-noun-verb domain, as Stuff White People Like, and that has certainly been successful. It's not clear, but I'm going to gander that they're written by the same Christian Lander of Culver City. Lander launched that blog in January, which has had 28 million hits (that's ridiculous), and by March signed a book deal for their musings on white people. Example:
Plain and simple, white people don’t just like Apple, they love and need Apple to operate.

On the surface, you would ask yourself, how is that white people love a multi-billion dollar company with manufacturing plants in China, mass production, and that contributes to global pollution through the manufacture of consumer electronic devices?

Simple answer: Apple products tell the world you are creative and unique. They are an exclusive product line only used by every white college student, designer, writer, English teacher, and hipster on the planet.
The writing as God doesn't work as well. Instead of being sharp it sounds silly and mean (when is the last time I packaged those two words together?).
Asia is a huge waste of space and I despise every last country, animal* and heathen-commie-bastard living there. However, I don’t hate the topography. Unlike Africa - which I am deeply, deeply ashamed of – I’m actually kind of satisfied with the land I made in Asia (with the exception of the Russian, Mongol and Kazakhstani areas).

No, it’s strictly the people and the governments of Asia I loathe. Why you ask? Because they don’t Worship Me! I mean, for f--ks-sake! I’m only the Flawless Creator of the Entire Universe, but do they care? No!
This was posted May 14, right after the cyclone death toll in Burma had passed 30,000 and at least 10,000 Chinese had died in a massive earthquake. Heaven help us if a book publisher wants to ink this too.


andrea u. said...

great post -- esp because you had considered that idea yourself, and therefore are extra aware of the pitfalls. Indeed, "stuff white people like"'s popularity is astounding. But the Apple riff was long in the making, and hilarious to read. Sounds like Stuff God Hates won't be able to match that level.

Juliius said...

"Don’t worry, it is impossible for a white person to turn down the opportunity to proofread."

-those crazy white people

thanks for sharing about the existing blogs and the contemplation of inserting this perspective into The God Blog - I think you have what it takes to pull if off, esp if it's just an intermittent foray into using that voice.

Anonymous said...

I know clander and you're right. he is doing this God blog too. that guy just can't stop writing.

Guy Vestal said...

Shame on your post. It made me bookmark the blog.