'First Drafts of the Parables of Jesus'

At the LA Times Festival of Books Saturday, I stopped by the McSweeney's booth. I've never read the magazine but I did indulge in Dave Eggers in college, and though I may be no hipster, I am arguably a writer. One plus one, minus one, plus one, minus another ... it seemed like I should at least take a look.

In current issue of the quarterly journal, I found this article titled "First Drafts of the Parables of Jesus." It assumes that the Bible, or at least the Gospels, was not simply a great piece of literature but, in fact, fiction. The red-letter text is same, but the "first drafts" include extraneous details that any good editor would remove. The first from Luke 11 and the second referenced in Matthew 21 and Luke 15. This is clearly satire, not suggestion.

Then Jesus said to them, "Suppose one of you has a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, 'Friend, lend me three loaves of bread, because a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have nothing to set before him. Then the one inside answers, 'OK, just gimme a minute,' and he goes to one of his friends, and says, 'Friend, lend me three loaves of bread, because a friend of a friend of mine on a journey has come to the friend who's my friend, and that friend has nothing to set before his friend.'"

One of the disciples said, "Wait, doesn't the original person's friend need three loaves of bread because a friend of his friend who's on a journey has come to the friend of the original person's friend, and that friend has nothing to set before his first friend? Or is that what you just said?"

"It doesn't matter," said Jesus. "The point is that God can get you free bread."

- - - -

"But what do you think about this?" asked Jesus. "A man with two sons told the older boy, 'Son, go out and work in the vineyard today.' The son answered, 'No, I won't go,' but later he changed his mind and went anyway. Then the father told the other son, 'You go,' and he said, 'Yes, sir, I will.' But he didn't go. Which of the two was obeying his father?"

"The first!" cried some of the disciples.

"The second!" cried the rest of the disciples.

And Jesus said, "Wait, I messed this one up. Did I mention that when the first son went to work in the vineyard he killed somebody? Because that's important. So, yeah, which of the two was obeying his father?"

"Uh ... the first?" said some of the disciples.

"The second! The second!" cried the rest of the disciples.

And Jesus said, "Oh, cripes, also the father only has one arm. And he is riding a horse the whole time. Was that clear?"

One of the disciples said, "Are you sure that's not 'The Parable of the One-Armed Father Who Rode on a Horse'?"

And Jesus said, "Maybe you're right. OK, let's change the question: Which of the two sons was the tallest?"

The disciples were silent.

Jesus shook his head in dismay. "Have I taught you nothing?"

If Satanists wanted their own license plate

Prompted by the previous post about a Christian-themed license plate, Mr. Bloggish shows why some Christians might not want to open the door to faith-based vehicle tags.

A spoof on small group study materials

Anybody who has ever been in a Bible study with a DVD component featuring your very own pastor can relate with the comedy in this Small Group Short, starring, not coincidentally, two of the guys in my small group, and taking a few digs at our good-humored and often casually dressed pastor, Mark Brewer.

'Jewno'

Yes, that really is J.K. Simmons. No, this is not as funny as the actual "Juno." And, man, am I glad they cast Ellen Page over this girl.

McCain: 'Like hope, but different'

Check out this video.

She loves Huckabee

From the Department of Uncomfortably Hilarious Satire:




Previously in God Blog videos:

The Chronic(whats?)cles of Narnia

A Love Song for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Borats Anonymous

Obama Girl's Coulter Crush

The Onion for Christians

There is the Unitarian Church known as The Onion, where Ken Kesey and his Band of Merry Pranksters held their first acid test in L.A. And, of course, there is The Onion newspaper, which publishes story with headlines like this: "Dairy Company Introduces Lots-Of-Pulp Milk."

But there is also The Onion for Christians, better known LarkNews.com, via Christianity Today.

What keeps fans coming back for each month's fresh material is a wit so sharp that, as with The Onion, people sometimes mistake its satirical stories for real news. In February 2003, for example, Kilpatrick made up an item that Zondervan would publish a gay-friendly version of its New International Version of the Bible. Like many gay advocates within churches, the theoretical gNIV assumed that Jonathan and David were lovers. Enough people sent in horrified e-mails that Zondervan issued a statement calling the report "a sick joke."

Meanwhile, homeschooling bloggers fell for "Harvard forcing homeschoolers to 'Fit In,'" which played off of stereotypes that such students need more social skills. And Christian radio stations were duped by "Wal-Mart rejects 'racy' worship cd": "The latest Vineyard Music worship cd, 'Intimacy, vol. 2,' has raced to the top of the Christian sales charts, but Wal-Mart is refusing to stock the album without slapping on a parental warning sticker. The groundbreaking—some say risqué—album includes edgy worship songs such as 'My Lover, My God.'"

Today's top stories include "Warren to buy Saints, build Purpose-Driven Field," "Blessing the iPod: Churches sanctify music devices" and "Holy Spirit neglects to show up at revival."

Redefining success in Iraq

This is a rather long "Daily Show" sketch, and only marginally worth the six and a half minutes I just spent watching it at work (from an employer's standpoint; not mine). But it offers yet another in the drumbeat of satirical pieces on the ever shifting target for "success" in Iraq.