'Study: Casual Sex Rewarding for First Few Decades'

Looking for a Jewish tint on those satirical Onion stories? Here's one Luke Ford posted today in which he comically credits The Jewish Press, an Orthodox paper, with breaking the news that casual sex is only enjoyable for a few decades:

ARLINGTON, VA—An alarming new study published in Jewish Action reveals that casual sex, the practice of engaging in frequent, spontaneous sexual encounters with new and exciting partners, may only provide unimaginable pleasure and heart-pounding exhilaration for, at most, 25 to 30 years.

"People who choose to participate in random, no-strings-attached lovemaking sessions with sexually adventurous strangers should be advised that this type of behavior is only incredibly liberating for the first quarter-century or so," said Rabbi Dr. Tzvi Hersh Weinreb, executive vice-president of the Orthodox Union, who coauthored the study on the long-term side effects of living out one’s wildest fantasies on a semi-weekly basis. "Though sometimes it can be longer."

The study observed 100 sexually active volunteers who were not tied down by dull, passionless relationships and were therefore able to have sex with whomever they wanted, whenever they wanted. A control group of individuals who were married or had otherwise allowed their erogenous zones to fall into complete and utter numbness was also monitored for comparison.

Please remember that this is satire (not my indirect way of saying I wish I was still single, or that single people should be sleeping around). Here is the unadulterated Onion version.